StuChacks Friday Joke... (et l'emploi pour dimanche)

[welsh-dragon]

So thats what they mean by a pearl necklace. eh?

Nice one, Volviz

[Gimle]

Nice one!

[stu chacks]

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big
grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" Asked the bar-
man?

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.

"You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way
home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to
the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went
and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big
time! We made mad passionate love all night long."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "Was she pretty?"

"Dunno' replies the ugly man, "Never found the head."

Have a good weekend amigos.

Stu.

[Joolz]

super sunday....Wimbledon Final and World Cup Footie Final

[Gimle]

[2127]

[Dan the 480 Man]

[volviz]

[Big Brother]

[stu chacks]

Not around tomoz (off to Abersoch camping tonight, fingers x for the weather!), so here she is.

The man and the elephant.

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


Stu.

[Ally]

[Big Brother]

170 posts on this thread and he still hasn't run out

[2127]

Simply great.

[stu chacks]

Well, off work tomo again (I love these long weekends!), and with Tiger winning the open it's topical this week at least!

Tiger Woods BMW.

Tiger Woods drives his spanky new 7 series BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morning' to yer sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?" asks the attendant.

They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Fook me" says the Irishman "BMW's have all dem optional extra's eh?"

Stu.

[volviz]

Friiidaayyyyyyy



A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

[stu chacks]

Bit of an oldie today, but having just been on the phone to helpdesk for 15mins quite apt.....


Bill Gates passed away and goes up to heaven where he is met by God. "Well,
Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created
that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm
going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you
decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear water. There
were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the
water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the
temperature was perfect. "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I
can't wait to see Heaven."
God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy
white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing
harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Bill Gates though for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I
do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how
things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst
the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doing', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This not what I
expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing
in the water?"
"Oh THAT?!" said God. "That was the Screen Saver."

Tip of the week - with these drought warnings make the most of the rain this weekend and wash them 480s!

Stu.

[stu chacks]

Off work tomoz so...

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since
you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
saving the life of another patient! I have concluded that your act
displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry, so how soon can I go home?


Hint of the week: www.worldseriesbyrenault.com or 08456033427- every year they give away free tickets for a cracking FREE day at Donington Park. Everything from F1 cars to a round of the Renault Cup with usual displays etc. Just order them from the link. Not sure if going this year with it being so close to the Lincs meet, but if your closer...

And here's a little something for the weekend... http://www.barryboys.co.uk/phpBB2/viewt ... ca52ea173f

Stu.

[Big Brother]

Off work today Stu

[stu chacks]

Yep, off work chainsawing up a stack of tree trunks up ready for winter (is it really nearly here already?). Here's todays effort anyway.

Friday night in the bar....

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here, Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there 's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish -- each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 10 inch pianist?"

Tip of the week. If you get kidnapped for years in a dark celler, ensure you have some sunglasses for when you escape. Was that a scary news article or what?

Stu.

[welsh-dragon]

Oldie but a goldie Stu