StuChacks Friday Joke... (et l'emploi pour dimanche)

[stu chacks]

The Smartie and the Jelly baby.....

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says

"Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says

"No mate, I'm a softie, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says,

"Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of hard case I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says

"Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me",

and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and
wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says

"I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!"
says Smartie,

"But those Lockets are f*ing Menthol"

Stu.

[Macaroon]

"But those Lockets are f*ing Menthol"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

...so the barmaid gives him one

[Joolz]

took a while...but I eventually got it!! fnarr fnarr

[stu chacks]

...so the barmaid gives him one

Took me even longer!

Stu.

[stu chacks]

Awkward phone call:

"Hello?"

"Hi honey.
This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

""No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table,
Run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
And ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head
On the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
And he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But
I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean
It.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? . . .

Is this 486-5731?"


Tip of the week: If you going to the Lincs meet, make sure you've sent Wayne your £5 entry to the raffle/t.hunt and brush up on your 480 knowledge for the 480 pub quiz!

Stu.

[volviz]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

[Milosz_480]

Not a friday but also funny:

[stu chacks]

Englishman, Scottishman and an Irishman are captured while on holiday in darkest Africa by a tribe of fierce cannibals.

After pleading for their lives the chief cannibal agrees to give the 3 of them a sporting chance of escape. He tells them, "I will grant you 1 item from our camp, and a 100yard headstart, after this, my cannibal warriors will hunt you down, if you escape, so be it."

The Englishman is 1st up, after considering his options, he asks the chief for a rifle he spots and heads to the 100yard mark. The chief lets out a warcry and his tribe of screaming cannibals start the chase. The Englishman starts running, turning and picking off some of the chasing canibals with his rifle, however, he soon runs out of ammo and tires. The tribe catch him, eat him, and make a canoe from his skin.

The Scottishman is next. After careful consideration he asks for the fastest horse in the camp. A black stallion is bought around for him, he mounts it and takes a flying start over the 100yard mark. The chief lets out a warcry and his tribe of fearsome cannibals start the chase. The Scottishman thinks he has outwitted the canibals and the Englishman, until he rides into thick brush, before he knows it the cannibals have caught him and drag him back to the camp where they eat him and make a canoe out of his skin.

The Irishman has been watching the events unfold. The chief steps up and asks if he'd like to consider what item he'd like to take to the 100yard marker. Without hesitiation the Irishman says "Oyd like a fork please squire".
The chief looks puzzled. "A fork, why you want fork when you can have any item in camp?"
"Da fork is foine fur me tanks" says the Irishman.
"Verywell" says the chief and hands him a fork.
The Irishman takes the fork and slowly walks up to the 100 yard marker. When he reaches it he turns to face the fearsome cannibal warriors and to their disbelief takes the fork and starts stabbing himself all over "I hope yer all drown ya fcukers!"

Tip of the week: We're heading rapidly into winter amigos, give that 480 a good coat of wax and check the antifreeze strength (very important for the 480 apparently) in the expansion tank before it's too late!

Stu.

[stu chacks]

Was off last friday so here's a couple of quickies to make up!


What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty!"


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of
lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she
was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

Stu.

[Big Brother]

Good one

[stu chacks]

Re: Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi ! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi ! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die ?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible !

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, Ibegan to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.1st woman: So, what happened ? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be
alive.

Stu.

[welsh-dragon]

Very good
Like the new avatar...........at last!

[stu chacks]

Very good
Like the new avatar...........at last!

Cheers (only took 8mths!), only problem is I keep thinking of Drazyl's avatar when I see it! Think the camera needs to come out again, not just for the GT either.

Stu.

[stu chacks]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.



Tip of the week. Got a 480 with a/con and sick of hearing the fan running all the time?
Simply find a non a/c 400 series car and swap over the dash switch (exactly same clip connector on back). The non a/c cars have an 'off' position you can use, just remember to give your a/con a blast now and then to stop the compressor seizing.

Stu.

[welsh-dragon]

Where do you find 'em?

[Roo]

[stu chacks]

One to get you in the Haloween mood, although this one is from my Irish Aunty so cut me some slack amigos!



A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him





FASTER...



FASTER...


BUMP...


BUMP...






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.



However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping.







clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...




clapp ity-BUMP...




on his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.




With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.




Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!





Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...





and,




(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)














The coffin stops



Tip of the week: Get Stu a new joke book for xmas.

Stu.

[2127]

[stu chacks]

Please note when looking at any classifieds - especially for 480's!


Needs Minor Work - Needs significant work.

Needs Nothing - Except a tow truck.

Easy Project Car - Completely disassembled, bring many boxes.

Minor Rust - Don't sit down!

Low Mileage - Only 170,000.

Convertible - After driving under truck.

Runs Great - Too bad it doesn’t roll.

Nice Stereo - To overcome exhaust noise.

Needs Paint - To cover rust.

New Paint - Beautifully covers rust.

Fully Loaded - Seller is too.

All Options - Tape player.

Only 59,000 Miles - (Okay, actually 359,000 miles)

Rare Model - One of 500,000 made.

Moving, Must Sell - Off to jail, need bail money (Nirex!)

Summer Fun - Roof leaks in winter.

Summer Fun - Won't make it to fall.

Reliable - Don't leave the neighborhood.

Daily Driver - (has done 400 miles a day)

Only Driven Sundays - Sunday is race day.

Engine Rebuilt - Engine degreased to look it.

Doesn’t Smoke - No oil to burn, or 90wt oil.

Trans. Rebuilt - Fine sawdust used to make it quiet.

4 Speed Gearbox - 5th gear is dead.

Hurry, Won't Last - Neither will car.

New Tires - Retreads years ago.

Well Maintained - Oil changed every other leap year.

Drives Like a Dream - Nightmare.

Car Cover - To help keep out rats.

Always Garaged - Embarrassed to leave it outside.

Family Owned - Driven by 6 teenagers.

Fully Restored - Nothing original.


Rally of the week:
You lucky blighters down in the SWest have the Historic Somerset Stages this weekend - www.somersetstagesrally.com - some stunning motors competing, I'd be going if wasn't so far

Luckily us N.West lot have - http://www.cambrianrally.co.uk/ next month If anyone fancies meeting up let me know as I'll prob be there.

Stu.

[stu chacks]

Bit of a girly one this month, looks like a spam post but read on...


New Medical treatment

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your a$$ kicked.

Make sure your all have your medicine



Tip of the week: With the first frosts on their way, remember to properly defrost your windscreens before hitting the wipers, ice is the no.1 culprit for shredding the rubber on them and at £18 a pop, they ain't cheap to replace!

A little extra site for you this week>>>>
Want to know where the missus is when she says she's out shopping?
Must admitt I knew they were able to do this, but didn't think it was public domain yet! Tracks the location of anyones phone down to within 10m by triangulation of their mby signal. Just put in your missus mby number and you can tell where she's located on the multimap.
Handy to check where she is when she says she's heading off to Sainos the weekend!
www.geomobiles.net

Stu.