StuChacks Friday Joke... (et l'emploi pour dimanche)

[ReVolvoLution]

Informal yet Informative!

PS U have PM!

[robin_xr4i]

Another classic thank stu.

[stu chacks]

Made me smile this one....


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know, you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?".

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."


Remeber this weekend is special, you can go Sunday on an all day sesh and not have to phone in sick on Monday morning! However, you should always drink in moderation, when you can't walk to the bar, take 5. When you can't see the bar, take a taxi.

Stu.

[Dan the 480 Man]

It's funny 'cos it's so, so true

[welsh-dragon]

Excellent, mate

[2127]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a fucking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

[stu chacks]

Bit of an oldie goldie this one,but very topical with the A1 GP demo coming to Manchester in August - 8 GP cars razzing around the Exchange will make a change from the Saxo's I guess! Nice to see Mansell taking another win in the GP Masters again.


F1 News Update:

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Mancunian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a
recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Mosside were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four
wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed,
re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.


Tip of the week: Now the weathers drying out, it's a good time to give the top of your windscreen/roof area a clean and blast some WD40 between the rubber seal and bodywork to stop corrosion, it's a area most people forget about until the bubbles appear and it's too late.

Stu.

[stu chacks]

Sorry amigos, was away last week, but you don't get away that easily!

2 miners digging for gold in south africa,one falls down the mine shaft and has to have a leg amputated,his mate says are you ok? he says no,who's gonna want a one legged gold digger and his mate says there is a vacancy at paul maccartneys house now!!!!!!!!!

Stu.

[Brasco]

[catgroom]

Fuuuuuckiiinn 'ellll !

[stu chacks]

A small, skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left test * icle, 3 pound right test * icle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What exactly did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left test * icle weighs 3 pounds, my right tes * ticle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn around"!



Tip of the week: With all this warm wet weather, remember to get some slug pellets (the bird friendly type of course) down around those leeks. As your daffodils should be over now, fold the remaining stalks in half and tie them with garden string. This will ensure the goodness in the stalks returns to the roots giving the bulbs a boost for next spring!

Stu.

[Milosz_480]

[ReVolvoLution]

Boom-Chack-A-Lack! Two bad boiii bits of entertainment in just as many days!!!! Keep 'em coming

[stu chacks]

In the footy/beer/blokes kinda gist this week. Made me laugh anyway. I'll leave Sally/Sophie/etc to come up with a shoes/handbags/girlie one


1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's work.


2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.


3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.


4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!


5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.


6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else
struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.


7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.


8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?" "Nah!".


9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.


10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".


11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.


12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that
Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.


13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are p!$$ed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.


14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.


15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.


16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?


17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.


18. TAKING OUT Â £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the
plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.


19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then.
Seven. See ya."


20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you the worlds best driver.


21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.


22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't
make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".


23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"


24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right,
I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized pony.




And tip of the week? Easy, always give your Volvo a good clean after friday night out on the town before the missus gets up.....



Have a good b.hol weekend amigos.

Stu.

[stu chacks]

Sorry amigos, was off work lastweekend, so here's a couple before you head out for the 'friday lunchtime pint'

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said.

So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any public hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself"

the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy mooff. When the husband got back in, she asked: "Did you see?" "Yes," he said. "But why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."

"I know," he said, "but the f**king darts team hadn't!"


and another quick oldie....


A dustman knocks on a japenese blokes door and the jap says "harro", and the dustman replies "where's ya dustbin?"
"I bin on the loo" says the jap.
"No mate wheres ya dustbin?"
"I dust bin on the loo, I told you!"
"Mate! Where is your wheelie bin?"
"Ho K, I wheelie bin havin' a w.. @nk ..."


And tip of the week: Faded rear clusters? Easy, rag them with the dirtiest old sump oil you have - they'll come up like new, save the £400 cost of buying new ones for booze for Saturday 2pm... Vindaloo!

Stu.

[martinholmesuk]

While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster
than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a
copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronising smirk, asked "Runway too short?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work." To which he asked, "What do
you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded. The copper was surprised
and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher??
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I
workside to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do
you do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him
behind a bridge..."
Speeding ticket: 105.00
Court costs: 45.00
Look on copper's face ... Priceless....

(sorry to any police related police on here)

2 guys in a loo see a Priest with a nicotine patch on his (wing wang), - "Hey, does that really work"? "Yeah, says the Priest, I am down to two butts a day now!....

I just bought me a new voice activated stereo for my car
When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music.
The other day some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson

How do you now your going out with a hard chick?
You ask her for a blow job she says no i am to tired just wank in a cup and i will drink it in the morning.

why do blonds throw bread crumbs down the toilet
to feed the toilet duck

What do u call a pixie under a fairys skirt?
A goblin

jesus walks into a hotel
tosses 3 nails on to the counter and says "can u put me up for the niight"

HOS here I come!

[stu chacks]

Topical one this week....

After watching a World Cup match a little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "One nil."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man
replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1".

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says,"Penalty- 2-1."


Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty -
2-2."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,"Free Kick
- Goal, 3-2."


Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.

The wife says, What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, change sides"

Tip of the week: When watching the match drink Becks rather than Stella, that way you can still make it into work the next day (just talking from personal experience, ahem).

Stu.

[welsh-dragon]

Better to drink Becks than watching the idiot trying to play football, eh?
Come on, Sven-have the balls to play Lennon, put Gerrard or Terry as Captain and drop Becks. You know it makes sense

That way we might see England playing as though they want to win.

(WD sits back and awaits the onslaught from the Becks fans)

[ICFM]

WD you're leaning on an open door here!

[volviz]

not friday yet..but