StuChacks Friday Joke... (et l'emploi pour dimanche)

[stu chacks]

A day early this week, but got the works xmas party tonight, and not in tomoz as will be enjoying a day off, so here's your seasonal joke. Enjoy!


Christmas Joke.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates, said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those symbolize Christmas?"

The man replied, "Well, er, they're Carols."


And remember: 16days to go!

Stu.

[welsh-dragon]

Well done, that man!
Enjoy your do and see you on Saturday.

[Big Brother]

Yeah roll on Saturday

[Ettore Bugatti]

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
onesaid, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
For them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said," If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Joolz]

brill!!

[2127]

A lady pays a visit to the doctor.

She asks him: "Doctor, could you please examine me thoroughly there, because I'm getting married for the 4th time now and I want to be sure that everything is allright."
The doctor has a good look at her and asks: "Are you sure you're going to be married for the 4th time? You’re still a virgin!"
"Well, doctor..." she explains, "... my first husband was a gynaecologist and he couldn't stop looking at it. My second was a psychologist, and he couldn't stop talking about it. My third husband was an undertaker and he always said "We'll start next week!". I'm going to get married to a sollicititor now, so it’s obvious I'm going to get screwed."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have a great weekend!

[Big Brother]

Hmmm I wonder where Chackers is with his joke, its not like him to miss a friday

[2127]

A day early this week, but got the works xmas party tonight, and not in tomoz as will be enjoying a day off, so here's your seasonal joke. Enjoy!

[chris1roll]

A day early this week, but got the works xmas party tonight, and not in tomoz as will be enjoying a day off, so here's your seasonal joke. Enjoy!

Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 3:38 pm Post subject: Christmas flava

A day early this week, but got the works xmas party tonight, and not in tomoz as will be enjoying a day off, so here's your seasonal joke. Enjoy!

[stu chacks]

Sorry amigos. Went home early from work yesterday with the worst sore throat and probably a bit of that bird flu as I've been perched on the sofa since, in a tixylix induced coma!

Anyway, managed to make it off the sofa and thought as it's the party season I might share a few chat up lines for anyone who forgets to take the mistletoe out!
I'll leave you decide which ones you think certain forum members would use....


Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

Do you work for the Post Office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr/s Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

And for the end of the night when all else fails........

You might not be the best looking girl/guy here, but beauty is only a light switch away sweetheart.




And if your driving home alone and get pulled for speeding...

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th drink driving ban.

Officer: Ok, well may I see the V5 for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the V5 in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer will immediately call his seargent. The car will be quickly surrounded by police, and the seargent arrives to handle the tense situation:

Sergeant: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
Sergeant: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the V5

Sergeant: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, nothing in the glove box.

Sergeant: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body.

Sergeant: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the boot?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!


Sorted.

Right, I'm off for my Lemsip fix and see who's won X Factor!.
Catch u later folks!

Stu.

[Brasco]

lol

[stu chacks]

There's a huge explosion on a gypsy encampment and 40 gypsies are killed.

Up at the pearly gates, St. Peter is overwhelmed at the number of dodgy looking people wanting to come in all together, so he leaves the gypsies waiting by the pearly gates while he goes off to consult with God if it's ok to let them all in.

God says "Well, go back down and just ask if they're all good souls, if so let them in".

St.Peter goes back down, and a few minutes later comes running frantically back to God saying "Oh my God, what are we going to do, they've gone!"

God asks "What, all 40 of them, gone?"

"No" replies St Peter, "the bloody pearly gates!"



Happy Christmas and have a fab New Year everyone!

Stu.

[stu chacks]

Well after the Christmas break I'm sure everyones feeling pretty depressed being back in work, but check this guys story out, might make you feel a bit better!

Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make
you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what
happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my
job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial 'waterheater'; This $200,000 piece of equipment sucks water
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a
sudden, my ass started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to
burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In
agony I realized what had happened.
The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and Pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding The jellyfish into the crack of my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my
ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." or "There's no place like mydesk, there's no place like mydesk, there's no place like mydesk.".

Happy 2006 amgios.

Stu.

[Ettore Bugatti]

Auww!

[robkendall]

A blonde and a redhead are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

The Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said "Oh. Don't you like getting flowers from your boyfriend then?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me them, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says "oh.....Don't you have a vase?"

rgrds
rob

[stu chacks]

And I thought I'd heard all the blonde jokes! Class.

Stu.

[Big Brother]

[Ettore Bugatti]

In a hotelroom, Jim Morrisson is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked. Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrisson and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then starts on his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player. When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him. At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts, "Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"

[stu chacks]

Phew, I thought it was only me with the bad jokes!

Stu.

[stu chacks]

I am writing to warn you as I am the
victim of the latest scam at ASDA while shopping. This happened at the
Wrexham Asda, and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works.

Two good looking woman (a rarity around here) come to your car as you are placing your shopping in your car.
One starts by wiping your windscreen while the other comes
round to you saying "Hi", while bending over with her breasts almost
coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look.
Then they beg you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and ask them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other in the back seat. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday, but I
couldn't find them Thursday, Friday, Sunday or Monday.

Stu.

Edit: Sorry, forgot the gals here!
Women covering for their friends:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her
husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Men covering for their mates:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife
that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and
two claimed that he was still there.