StuChacks Friday Joke... (et l'emploi pour dimanche)

[Joolz]

and never under any circumstances tie a catherine wheel to a wooden fence

[JohnTurbo]

and never under any circumstances tie a catherine wheel to a wooden fence

Indeed. These shuld be safely nailed to Catherine's head, as per the manual. If you don't have a Catherine, use a Katy, Keely or in emergencies a Carl.

[sallysal]

@ Stu
@John - in Scotland - would a Kirsty do?
Sx

[JohnTurbo]

@Sal - Yes, that'd be fine. I know a Kirsty in Edinburgh...shes from Dunbar, and a very fine lassie indeed.

So on with the funnies, all you gotta do is pretend:-

a) I am Stu
b) Its wednesday.


A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

[MatBat]

OH, that is classic!

me likey!

[stu chacks]

More a story then a straight joke this week folks - made me smile though! Should appeal to regular forum/chatroom users......





Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the bedroom.

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your ... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!



Have a good weekend and, remember, the remeber 5th of November.

Doh!

Stu.

[JohnTurbo]

Stu, i need to ask you a very serious question...since the court order...have you in fact been bugging my bedroom?

[Ettore Bugatti]

[stu chacks]

Stu, i need to ask you a very serious question...since the court order...have you in fact been bugging my bedroom?

I'll leave John's tapes out of the thread this week due to legal reasons....


Family Album.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to
arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too... you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room floor? No
wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can
guarantee a good one every time. but if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the
results." "My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my gawd!!" Mrs.
Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out
exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to
work with." "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly
concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed
it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on
your um..." "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"



A good weekend to test the rearscreen de-misters/heated seats amigos!
Stu.

[Ettore Bugatti]

[sallysal]

Oh my my!

Sx

[welsh-dragon]

Hi Stu,
Definitely the winner this week
I'd better start checking the midweek effort for next week.

[Ettore Bugatti]

He, You cannot escape that easily!
You may forget it, but Im not

So what's the joke today?

[stu chacks]

He, You cannot escape that easily!
You may forget it, but Im not

So what's the joke today?

Jeez ET, your keen, only 23:31 according to my clock!

Anyway, as I love DIY try this one for size........

Mother superior decides the convent needs a makeover.
Amongst other DIY jobs, she orders two nuns to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who's there?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Wow! Nice tits!" says the man, "Now, where do you want these blinds?"


Remeber to get those Christmas cards written up in time amigos!

Stu.

[Ettore Bugatti]

Jeez ET, your keen, only 23:31 according to my clock!

Well, the forum time is GMT+1

[stu chacks]

Jeez ET, your keen, only 23:31 according to my clock!

Well, the forum time is GMT+1

Ah, well were all running on Chico Time over here at the moment!

Stu.

[2127]

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Interview

This is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster
and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor
a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be
teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD:
Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Have a nice sunday!

Greetz,
Peter

[martinholmesuk]

[Big Brother]

Only in America

Ad

[stu chacks]

Nice to see some common sense rebukes in a world going (PC) politically correct mad....

V. good Peter - you can be my wingman anytime!

Stu.