To: The citizens of the Republic of Ireland:
In light of your absolute incompetence in running your own affairs, by continually electing the same shower of useless, greedy and corrupt politicians, the shocking financial crisis of the last 3 years but most of all your complete inability to bring anyone to account for this mess or take to the streets to demonstrate your anger, Her Majesty feels compelled to take immediate action.
You have had 88 years to get this right but have made a complete hames of it. You cannot blame the mainland for this one.
Additionally, because of your total fascination with supporting English football teams (and 1 Scottish), and almost total failure to support the Airtricity league. This is an obvious expression of desire to be British.
The final straw was the announcement of Prince William’s forthcoming marriage appearing on the front page of all major Irish newspapers and headline TV news on the very day Europe were trying to finalise the takeover of the Irish economy. This clearly demonstrates a sub-conscious desire to be British (and NOT European!).
Therefore, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, and effective immediately, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over the Irish Free State .
Your new prime minister, David Cameron, will appoint a governor for Ireland immediately.
Her majesty’s government is extremely concerned that Ireland has already given up it’s sovereignty to Brussels and Strasbourg, the European Central Bank, the International Monetary Fund and anyone else you can borrow a few quid off so is taking this action to protect both the people of Ireland and to restore the British Isles to it’s proper status.
Dail Eireann and Seanad Eirann will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. All current TD’s will be immediately re-deployed, some arrested and tried for treason.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The Irish language is not banned, but will no longer be part of the school curriculum, no longer share equal status with English and all signs in Irish are to be removed immediately. They are pointless. TG4 will be disbanded
The word(s) feck, fecker, fecking are banned – you are not fooling anyone.
2. RTE will be disbanded, you all watch BBC, ITV and Sky Sports anyway. The money saved will pay for Road Signs.
3. March 17th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. Bacon and Cabbage are hereby banned – no one likes it. Similarly, Abrakebabra is banned immediately and will be replaced with handily placed kebab vans within each district. Indian restaurants will also open until 4am.
5. You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
6. Road Safety:
a) Gay Byrne is sacked as chairman of the Road Safety Authority. Whoever thought the smuggest individual ever to grace a TV screens could possibly help?
b) All major traffic light intersections will be replaced with roundabouts
c) The imperial Mile measurement is to be re-introduced with immediate effect.
d) All learner drivers are banned from driving alone with immediate effect.
e) All African driving licenses are hereby immediately revoked.
f) All persons who received a full driving license in the “amnesty†are also banned from driving until they sit the test.
g) A new Garda Traffic division is to be established to patrol shopping centre car parks for cases of extremely bad parking and driving the wrong way round the car parks. Fine of £100 and 3 points
7. ALL tribunals will cease immediately. The money saved will be spent on new easily visible street signs.
8. DRINK: The price of a pint of beer is to be immediately re-aligned with UK prices - £2.50 a pint.
The restricted number of pub licenses is to be removed immediately, and a Wetherspoon’s will be opened in every town centre throughout Ireland, along with an O’Neill’s proper Irish pub.
Guinness is to be rationed to 3 pints of day per person. It is for the greater good.
9. The Euro will be phased out over the next 6 months and replaced with the Queen’s shilling.
10. Dressing up 8 year old girls in wedding dresses is also considered an extremely unhealthy activity.
11. You will cease playing all Gaelic games. All GAA facilities will be handed over to the English cricket authorities. Cricket will become mandatory in all schools.
12. Please tell us what happened to Shergar..
13. An inland revenue agent from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1949).
14. Talking of 1949, Ireland will be immediately re-admitted to the Commonwealth and therefore allowed access to commonwealth country trade markets but more importantly have a better chance of winning medals at a major sporting event.
God save the Queen
and 