I don't know about You all, but I certainly miss StuChacks Friday Joke...(et l'emploi pour dimanche).
I never figured out what that means, although my French isn't to bad..."how to be applied on sundays", is that it?
Maybe Stu, Sophie or someone can correctly translate that?
Many of Stu's and the other's jokes were quite straight forward, You might say.
I my self like a good joke, and some of the best are just that, straight forward!
Anyway, if it is to the forum's liking and Stu, together with others, don't see this as an attempt to compete or plagiarize in any way, I have a proposition to make...
Why not share our good jokes and stories with all our 480-fellows and others who might read them?
Right then, I'll make a start, and hopefully someone will follow up on this thread...
An English gentleman had an old and very dear friend, who had been living in France for a long time.
One day, the gentleman got a letter from his friend's wife, who told him the sad news; his friend had suddenly passed away after beeing ill for a short period.
He immedeately took the next train to Paris and leaving the station, he suddenly realised:
'I left home without bringing my black hat. I can't pay my respects to my dear friend's widow without wearing a proper hat.'
So he decided to ask the first person he met, where to buy a black hat.
His French had never been very good, so he was convinced that the correct word for hat in that country was 'capot'
Unfortunately, that is the French word for condom.
To the first man he met, he put the question: "Monsieur, could You please tell me where I can by a 'capot'?
The man directed him to a drug store nearby.
He entered the store, approached the shop assistant and explained to him, with a sad face:
'My dear friend has just passed away, and now I want to pay my respects to his wife in her moment of grief.
Do You have a 'capot noir'?
The shop assistant then solemnly exclaimed:
'Monsieur, quel raffinement!'
Captain's choice
Moderators: jifflemon, coyote1980, Rachel
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Captain Crunch
- Started learning about 480
- Posts: 91
- Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2006 11:16 pm
- Location: Storfors, Sweden
Captain's choice
Last edited by Captain Crunch on Fri Oct 31, 2008 10:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
480's never die, they just transcend.
Jens Lumbye
Storfors, Sweden
Jens Lumbye
Storfors, Sweden
TRANSLATING THE HAYNES BOOK OF LIES
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
[img]http://i89.photobucket.com/albums/k237/Cerberus74/DC_SIG_GHETTO.jpg[/img]
[url=http://www.digital-car.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=9446]My digital-car.co.uk Install Thread[/url]
[url=http://www.digital-car.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=9446]My digital-car.co.uk Install Thread[/url]
Now thats the best translation of the haynes book ive ever seen! but would like to add a couple of my own :-
With the ignition switched off - remove battery it's off then!
Access may be gained in one or two ways - doesnt matter how you do it your going to bleed!
Wipe clean - becomes a pile of cornflakes when finished
Working inside the car - sit upside down on the drivers seat until all the blood in your body is now located in your head.
Press fully until circlip engages - beat the shit out of it with a hammer until it fits!
Unscrew and remove - get a chisel and smack the rusted rounded head off it until the part is removed then drill it out and tap it!
gently prise off - get a crowbar it's fucking stuck!
If necessary - you are going to have to do it anyway but we want to cause you some pain first!
With the ignition switched off - remove battery it's off then!
Access may be gained in one or two ways - doesnt matter how you do it your going to bleed!
Wipe clean - becomes a pile of cornflakes when finished
Working inside the car - sit upside down on the drivers seat until all the blood in your body is now located in your head.
Press fully until circlip engages - beat the shit out of it with a hammer until it fits!
Unscrew and remove - get a chisel and smack the rusted rounded head off it until the part is removed then drill it out and tap it!
gently prise off - get a crowbar it's fucking stuck!
If necessary - you are going to have to do it anyway but we want to cause you some pain first!
Toys:-
2001 Ford focus (not as much fun as my volvo was!)
94 440 turbo auto (Sent to the main dealer in the sky
)
92 Suzuki gn250 (Still in rebuild)
2001 Ford focus (not as much fun as my volvo was!)
94 440 turbo auto (Sent to the main dealer in the sky
)92 Suzuki gn250 (Still in rebuild)
-
Captain Crunch
- Started learning about 480
- Posts: 91
- Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2006 11:16 pm
- Location: Storfors, Sweden
I finally got in the mood for another one, probably due to the influence of my wife and some exquisite Scottish malt whisky.
Here's another one for You ladies and gents:
An old woman entered the trainstation in Reading and approached the ticket window.
"I want to buy me a ticket to London, please", she uttered.
"Certainly ma'am, that'll be three shillings for You", the clerk answered.
The woman payed for her ticket, and then addressed the clerk again:
"And I also want one for Florence", the woman added.
The clerk looked at her for a while and then informed her:
"I'm sorry, ma'am: You'd have to go to London to get that", the clerk answered.
The old woman turned around and said:
"That's a pity, little Florence."
"Then You can't come with me to London today!"
This was one of my fathers stories, one of many.
I have tried to translate it from Danish, but as always, the original is the best.
I know that the forum has some Danish members, so here it is in Danish too, in the original version.
En gammel kone kom in på stationen i Svendborg og gik frem til billethullet.
"Jæ sku gerne ha' en billet ind te O'ens", sagde hun til billetforsælgeren.
"Så gerne, frue. Det bli'r tre kroner", sagde forsælgeren.
Konen betalte for billeten, og så sagde hun:
"Og så sku' ja ha en til Florens"
Manden så på hende en stund, og så oplyste han hende:
"Desværre, den kan De ikke få her. Den må De ta' ind till Odense for at få."
Den gamle kone vendte sig så om og sagde:
"Det var vel nok sø'jn for dig, bette Florens.
SÃ¥ ka' dutte komme me' te O'ens idaw!"
Here's another one for You ladies and gents:
An old woman entered the trainstation in Reading and approached the ticket window.
"I want to buy me a ticket to London, please", she uttered.
"Certainly ma'am, that'll be three shillings for You", the clerk answered.
The woman payed for her ticket, and then addressed the clerk again:
"And I also want one for Florence", the woman added.
The clerk looked at her for a while and then informed her:
"I'm sorry, ma'am: You'd have to go to London to get that", the clerk answered.
The old woman turned around and said:
"That's a pity, little Florence."
"Then You can't come with me to London today!"
This was one of my fathers stories, one of many.
I have tried to translate it from Danish, but as always, the original is the best.
I know that the forum has some Danish members, so here it is in Danish too, in the original version.
En gammel kone kom in på stationen i Svendborg og gik frem til billethullet.
"Jæ sku gerne ha' en billet ind te O'ens", sagde hun til billetforsælgeren.
"Så gerne, frue. Det bli'r tre kroner", sagde forsælgeren.
Konen betalte for billeten, og så sagde hun:
"Og så sku' ja ha en til Florens"
Manden så på hende en stund, og så oplyste han hende:
"Desværre, den kan De ikke få her. Den må De ta' ind till Odense for at få."
Den gamle kone vendte sig så om og sagde:
"Det var vel nok sø'jn for dig, bette Florens.
SÃ¥ ka' dutte komme me' te O'ens idaw!"
480's never die, they just transcend.
Jens Lumbye
Storfors, Sweden
Jens Lumbye
Storfors, Sweden
-
Brasco
- 480 Is my middle name
- Posts: 2400
- Joined: Thu Jan 06, 2005 10:27 pm
- Location: Sat in a barrel of tits, sucking his thumb.
- Contact:
I just plain miss Stu Chacks! I guess he's got wrapped up in MX5ness. I think VBB should give him a nudge. Drive round there in the Celeb, Ad, and rev your engine until promises to come online and say hello. Damn these people who discover cars that don't need constant attention!! 
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v302/Brasco480/myelan3.jpg[/img][img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v302/Brasco480/SV400024rip-1.jpg[/img][img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v302/Brasco480/fc85e36c.jpg[/img][img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v302/Brasco480/SV400044-1.jpg[/img]
