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Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:20 am
by stu chacks
Ettore Bugatti wrote:
not sophisticated, though
Did say it wasn't a usual quality one EB! Will do better next week for y'all.
Stu.
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 9:23 am
by stu chacks
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman sobs, "It's Keith........the midget."
Stu.
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 9:32 am
by guitarcarfanatic
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 9:42 am
by Roo
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 9:58 am
by Jack Shit
LOL
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:38 am
by ICFM
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 12:31 pm
by Ally
Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 12:42 pm
by welsh-dragon
Very good, Stu.
Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 1:40 pm
by stu chacks
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. 
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. 
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. 
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." 
Stu.
Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 4:24 pm
by welsh-dragon
Classic, Stu.
Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 10:08 pm
by Ettore Bugatti
aauwww
Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 9:03 am
by stu chacks
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you
were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the
bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
"So how soon can I go home?"
Have a good weekend everyone - get those pumpkins out!
Stu.
Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 9:25 am
by welsh-dragon
Excellent start to the day, Stu.
Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 10:09 am
by Joolz
ohhh cruel
dont forget to put your clocks back
Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:19 pm
by Ally
Ha ha! Me like that one!
Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 1:05 pm
by Ettore Bugatti
Well, at least he is dry....
Come and get it while it's hot!
Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:09 am
by stu chacks
The Confession.
Tommy the Irishman heads into the confession booth one Sunday.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks: "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say Father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not! name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that, but you've sinned and now you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
Have a great bonfire night - and remember - don't go back to a lit firework!
Stu.
Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 11:48 am
by Joolz
nice one Stu.....
Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 2:27 pm
by welsh-dragon
Very good, mate.
And on a serious note, sound advice about the fireworks-the sooner they make it organised displays only, the better!
Re: Come and get it while it's hot!
Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 3:45 pm
by piper1st
stu chacks wrote:Have a great bonfire night - and remember - don't go back to a lit firework!
and always wear a glove when using sparklers!!
